and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Two words: nipple clamps
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