When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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