I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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