We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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