wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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