yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
