You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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