So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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