She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
