I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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