My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
