Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Randomize
