My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
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i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
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I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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