the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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