More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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