That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
