i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
