New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
