Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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