I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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