My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
