He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole