Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied