I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
