If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.