well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
