I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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