It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You smell like stripper and shame
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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