my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
