My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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