dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Im part way to drunk.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
