I smell stomach acid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
