Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
