she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
