You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
