just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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