if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Randomize
