Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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