I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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