I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
