I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
