Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
