I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
