he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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