I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
