i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
