So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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