You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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