He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
