I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I would fuck him just for his dog
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