Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
