yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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