So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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