peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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