I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
