oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The air was thick with penises
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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