Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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