4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
