I cockslap morals
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
