fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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