Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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