Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
