My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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