you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
