You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
