Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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