are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
